Hello Cthulhu

Phase One was to win the hearts of a worldwide army of weak mortals, all in the guise of cuteness, pinkness and kitty-ness. The use of a bow on one ear and an array of equally cute "friends" aided in achieving this feat of near-universal psychological dominion.

Now -- Phase Two. The stars and the earth are once more ready for Them, ready for a glorious resurrection. All the earth will flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom!

Raptor Jesus

It turns out the Bible is way off on the whole time scale thing. And yes, Jesus was, in fact, a carnivorous dinosaur. And he and his entire dinosaur race went extinct, so that we might live.

Fairy Fucking Princess

For that special someone who farts fairy dust and puts her wand to interesting uses...

Aircraft ID - Blue

49 U.S.C. subtitle IX--ch. 701, sections 70101-70121, (the Act) provides for the Department to grudgingly tolerate and reluctantly accept civilian assistance in identifying airborne objects which by performance, aerodynamic characteristics, or unusual features, do not conform to any presently known aircraft or missile type, or which cannot be positively identified as a familiar object.

Also available printed on a black shirt.

Aircraft Identification Chart

49 U.S.C. subtitle IX--ch. 701, sections 70101-70121, (the Act) provides for the Department to grudgingly tolerate and reluctantly accept civilian assistance in identifying airborne objects which by performance, aerodynamic characteristics, or unusual features, do not conform to any presently known aircraft or missile type, or which cannot be positively identified as a familiar object.

Also available printed on a light blue shirt.

Nipple Pinch

Every time a man's nipple is pinched, a midget is born. Prove it's not true!

Cthulhu Loathes You

Cthulhu loathes me, this I know / For the Necronomicon tells me so / Little ones to Him belong / They are weak but He is strong

Ceiling Cat

O NOES, IM IN UR CEILING, WATCHIN U MASTRB8!!11! A cat... in your ceiling... watching you... judging you. You never see it coming. But it always sees you coming. Ceiling cat disapproves.

Cthulhu Lives

Heed the call of the dread Cthulhu! Heed all who would be doomed, but serve a final and inevitable purpose! Heed ye acolytes of the Great Old One who sleeps beneath the waves in sunken R'lyeh. Heed the call of the dread Cthulhu! Cthulhu lives!

Mental Telepathy

We already know you'll like this shirt. And we know your size, mailing address and credit card number. But we're also seeing that you'd be mad if we shattered your illusion of free will, so we'll wait for you to order it yourself.

Döner Kebab

Without a doubt, the best of all the lamb- or mutton-based German fast foods that originated in Turkey and which are served wrapped in flat bread. Someday you'll be able to order a McDöner - until then, here's your shirt (red cabbage not included).

Cthulhu For President

The amateurs, Democrats, Republicans, etc., have had their chance. And though lately some of them have been pretty evil, none can compare to the Dread Cthulhu. Vote for Him! Then the liberated Old Ones will teach mankind new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth will flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom. The stars are right!

Ouija Pro

Now that you've come to, and the séance is over, remember the message of the ouija board: B U Y T H I S F A R O U T S H I R T

Big Foot

You know what they say about having big hands and big feet, don't you?

Nessie

Deep in the icy waters of Loch Ness dwelleth a creature as ancient as it is elusive. Tends to discourage the swimmers.

I Believe

Wear this shirt and we guarantee it will keep Them from abducting you and performing uncomfortable outpatient procedures on you aboard their ship. At least as far as you can remember.

Big Brother is Watching

Nobody has ever seen Big Brother. His function is to act as a focusing point for love, fear, and reverence; emotions which are more easily felt towards an individual than towards an organization. We may be reasonably sure that he will never die, and there is already considerable uncertainty as to when he was born.

Two Wrongs

Two strawberries are in the shower. One says to the other, "Will you pass the shampoo?" The second replies, "What do you think I am, your typewriter?"

I Dominate My Dojo

You may be fighting children, but what matters is if you're all at the same skill level. It's not about the size of the opponent, it's, uh, the ferocity. Any doofus would know that. [Note: no relation to the Dojo JavaScript toolkit. Unless you want there to be one.]

Ninjas Killed My Family

Luckily, they chose to adopt you as a member of the clan, and raise you to adulthood in absolute secrecy. Now you are one of the them, and your next mission involves the death of a few irritating pirates...

My Alter Ego Is A Superhero

"My alter ego is a superhero with impressive muscles and cool powers and a cape"

But by day, you can wear this t-shirt.

Shuriken

Sword hidden in hand

Throwing, stabbing or slashing

Shurikenjutsu

Cod Is Watching

So be good, or at least avoid excessive fishing.

Jolly Roger

Avast, ye scurvy dogs. If the best skull & crossbones ye be searchin' for, look no further. Put away your treasure map, matey, ye've struck it rich here!

Fifteen shirts on the dead man's chest --
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil had done for the rest --
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum

I Love Guns

What's cuter and more cuddly than a baby Glock, or a small frame S&W .357 magnum? Well, maybe an H&K P2000 SK in .40 caliber...

Super Villain

Doom, the Dread Dormammu, and even the Mighty Galactus quake before my sinister power! At least they do when i shake the comic just right.

All Kinds of Guns

All Kinds of Guns For All Kinds of People - embrace the diversity!

Die in a Fire

Drowning and electrocuting are much too good for you. Burn, baby, burn.

Laughing Che

Sure, Che - we know you think that the socio-economic inequalities of the world call for guerrilla resistance and revolution. But you don't have to be so serious about it all the time. Lighten up, Che!

Pizzatarian

Both strict pizzatarians and relaxed pizzatarians (those who also occasionally have chips) can now finally declare their food allegience.

Holy Spirit - Magic Whiskey

Saint Augustine said, "O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams." Which kind of spirit do you think he was talking about?

Nips

The next best thing to going shirtless! Or, for some of us, much, much better than actually going shirtless. Warning: not suitable for shirts vs. skins sporting events.

I Make Shit Up

Ask me anything. Let me tell you, I'll have an answer - and I guarantee it will be interesting.